Hey there, whoever seems to be listening to me
I basically like. Made this blog over on my main account
I’m going to pretty much reblog everything from here over to there, and continue writing on that one
It’ll look the same, the URL is http://misplacedambition.tumblr.com/
Thanks to whoever is listening
Well, I still haven’t written anything for today.
I didn’t do anything.
Really, not one thing.
I’m not inspired, I have no drive to do anything.
I just hope the next few days pass quickly so I can just get on my school camping trip.
I’m going to continue this into after orientation ended.
I was standing in the courtyard, discussing pokemon with a group of girls I was just getting to know.
I heard a familiar voice, and turned around.
Boyfriend was there, coming into our group, he started talking.
We all talked and talked and talked, eventually it was just the two of us.
He held my hand and we went to sit on the grass outside of our school.
We sat and we talked
and talked
and talked.
We kissed, once or twice.
What I didn’t notice at the time was how much snugglier the conversation was getting as time went on.
We were sitting, snuggling, I took his sun glasses off him.
I said
“I want to say something but I don’t want it to be weird.”
“Say it.”
Something that i’d wanted to say for a little while now but didn’t have the chance to do in person.
“I love you.”
Three tiny words, that meant the world.
Without missing a beat, he said
“I love you too”
And he kissed me
some more
and some more
and some more.
It felt real, it felt like it really meant something this time.
He pulled my legs into his lap and put his arm around me.
I traced infinity signs into his arm.
He played with my fingers, and we talked about Woody Allen movies.
I meant it.
I love him, i’m pretty sure
and while I know I sound naiive,
this is for real.
I’m sure of it.
I wish he was here now.
What a day what a day.
Today wasn’t quite crazy, but it was nowhere near normal. I’ll start at the beginning.
I woke up at six am. It took me half an hour to get out of bed. It was cold and dark. I was nervous and excited.
I met friends for coffee at 8:15, a bunch of people we knew showed up too and we all walked to school together.
I stood in the crowd with my friends, looking around for boyfriend, but he wasn’t around.
I waited
and waited
and waited.
Eventually he did show up, and we hugged,
and that was it.
It was medium-sized, then we started talking to people, then we split up.
During the school meeting we didn’t sit together. During the ice breaker we didn’t talk. Taking pictures and the school tour, nothing.
I was afraid he didn’t want to be around me so I didn’t go looking for him.
For the second part of the meeting one of our teachers gave us the most touching speech.
He told us about a boat race that starts in France,
One person to a boat, around the world. Can’t ask for help, can’t get extra supplies, can’t touch land once.
He talked our school career, how every year we were here we learned the ropes a little better, learned to sail a little faster, more efficiently.
He said that there was one difference from our school and the race, though.
“At our school, you are not alone in this.”
He said. So steadily, he told us to ask for help, to manage our time.
He said it again.
“You are not alone.”
He talked about how we’re going to have bad days and we’ll weather the storm.
In addition to this, he talked about how we need to know where our feet are, and where the edge of the “ship” is.
He told us not to get thrown off.
That happened last year, I fell off and didn’t know what to do.
Not this year.
This year,
I am not alone,
I know what i’m doing,
and I know exactly where that edge is.
I just finished the summer reading for my school.
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston.
Well. Um.
There might be spoilers here. I’m not sure. So like. At your own risk and all that good stuff.
The end of the book threw me off. With Tea Cake getting sick and then being killed, it was such a huge change of pace it was almost hard to keep up I guess.
And, really, maybe I just have to read it again, but I can’t decide if I see Janie killing Tea Cake as an act of love and mercy or self defense.
Reading the book, it’s obvious that she really did love him, and vice versa. But he also had a gun on her, so really, in this instance would it be a fight of the head and the heart?
….Can’t it be both?
I don’t know for sure but there must be a point in loving someone where you just want to put them out of their misery when they’re in pain, or sick, or a million other things.
We had to annotate the book for the assignment, and my last page is the end of the text and in very small print, “I don’t know what to say.”
And i’m not trying to be lazy. I really wish I could explain. Maybe I just need time to process the story, what happened, and the fact that Janie would do that, and loved Tea Cake enough to give him mercy — to put aside all selfishness.
This is probably me just thinking about it too much, but i’m pretty confused about this.
xoxo K
Well, It’s officially September now.
Only twenty-nine days and fifty-eight minutes until October.
Counting, you say?
Who,
me?
I haven’t seen boyfriend In a month.
Four weeks.
This. Sucks.
What else can I say? Really, what can I say?
I miss him. A lot. Everyday. I can’t explain it. I don’t have the words.
I wish I could explain to him, but I can’t even explain to myself. He feels the same was so there’s almost no reason for me to be wishing I could explain.
I just really wish I could.
I’ll see him Friday. I just want to sleep until then.
I feel so dependent and stupid, I should be able to handle this.
I have eleven hours and forty-two minutes until September.
Counting, you say?
Who,
me?
A year ago I was painting my room green and getting a new desk and chair. I was re-inventing myself and getting ready to start at a new school.
I was nervous, scared, but excited and pumped up at the same time.
I was two days away from orientation, like I am now. Except a year ago I had no idea what I would do because I didn’t know anyone. Now I can look forward to seeing all the lovely people who make up my being.
A year ago, I was twelve days from my very first kiss ever; At the same time, I was twelve days away from getting roped in with someone who would shake the foundation of my being.
A year ago, I was a few weeks away from meeting some of the most amazing people ever. People who I would grow close to, commiserate with, grow with, whisper, cry, scream to.
A year ago I was twenty-eight days from thinking I was in love.
A year ago I was seventeen days and ten months away from meeting someone who might actually be right for me.
A year ago I was three weeks away from memorizing all the bones in the body, cranium to meta-tarsals.
A year ago my taste in music was absolute garbage. I didn’t know anyone. I felt like I didn’t belong and never would.
A year ago I couldn’t knit in the shape of a hexagon, or sing as loud or as well as I can now. I couldn’t draw how I do now, I couldn’t write the way I do now, I was undetermined and lazy.
Today, August 31st, 2011, I can knit in the shape of a hexagon
I can sing louder, and better.
I can draw, I can write.
I’m determined and will make the most out of this year. It will not pass me by like it did last time.
I will make memories with the people I love and ignore the ones who make me sad.
I will write everyday and fight for what I want.
This is a promise, while to nobody in particular, it’s at least a promise to myself.
Dear September, please be excellent.
xoxo K
My opinions on boyfriends and what I wanted to be in a relationship has changed a lot over the years. Also what I wanted out of/thought a relationship was like.
Of course, it was first based off movies and what my parents told me, also how they met. I believed that you’re either A.) A beautiful princess and a prince comes to save you from utter turmoil, then you fall in love and live in a castle forever. Or B.) You get a significant other when you’re 16, like some sort of initiation, and you lose your virginity, then you break up eventually and meet someone in college and you love them and it’s all happily ever after.
When I realized that princesses are pretty rare I re-thought my view on relationships. I still assumed that when you got to college you met the person you’re “destined” to be with, but instead of the 16 break up THEN college, that was just split into two separate ideas. You get a S.O. when you’re 16 and fall in love with them forever, and things are hard but you stay together. OR you go to college and meet the love of your life.
When I was a bit older this needed to be re-thought. I started to believe that there was more to marriage than just another person who can stand you every minute of every day. I saw pictures of the cute girl and the cute boy, who dress the same and hold hands in public and text for hours of the day, and go on cute dates to the book store and are really a truly in love. So much so that they can hardly stand it. Cute boy + cute girl = cute, perfect relationship
Look up the tumblr tag “relationship” and pictures like that, with a fish eye lens and all, of the cute couple, that’s what I wanted more than anything.
And then I tried my hand at actual relationships and it was first, the best friend.
The best friend who was always there. The best friend who stuck around the longest. The best friend who knew me, well, best. Then best friend who was conveniently cute.
We lasted 3 months. I broke it off. He tried to get back together with me for 2 years after that. He was clingy. Then he date my best friend.
Next guy had too many girls going after him, he chose me over them, then changed his mind. It was bull.
Then, clingy guy, again. 2 years of being lonely ate away at me. I took what I could get. I thought I was in love. He knew me for two weeks then pulled the “I love you” card. We lasted 3 months. He messed up everything in my life when I was just starting to get things under control.
I rethought things again.
I met this guy.
We like the same things. Pokemon, writing, goofy shit. He’s funny, adorable. Its never been like this with any other guy. My brain is always at 10% with i’m talking to him. When he kisses me. When he holds my hand.
We hate the same stuff. Stupid people, a choice few individuals, cooked carrots.
We spent two weeks together in the southwest. 2 weeks camping. He’s seen me at my 100% worst.
What I wanted from a relationship when I met him was someone to be goofy with, share things with, like me, for me. And that’s what I got
(we even play pokemon together.)
And when someone asks me what I like about him best, it’s nothing but mindless jumble because he scrambles my thoughts. He traces hearts in my palms. He takes care of me and makes me laugh.
And while it sounds naiive to say that I think I love him, I really think I do.
Now all I have to do is say it.
xoxo K.
And today is a day when I just don’t know what to do with myself.
I tried making plans with friends but I have no idea what’s happening and I just want to lay on my couch with my DS and wait for a very important email.
I’m not even inspired. Isn’t that the saddest part?
I got a copy of Looking For Alaska today. More to add to my reading list. Also Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.
So here I am, empty coffee cup and growling stomach, waiting for boyfriend and other friends and Dave Matthews has just finished played. The Black Keys are starting.
“Baby i’m howlin’ for you.”
I need to eat something. I’m a little jealous of my moms new computer but I love my current one so it’s okay.
It has stickers on it.
I haven’t achieved a single thing today, and I plan on keeping it that way. I’m so tired. So goddamn tired.
So tired that I don’t even know what to do with myself.
So I sit here and count the days.
2 more in August. 2 till September. 8 till the camping trip. 4 till orientation. 16 till classes start.
I feel anxious and nervous and I don’t know why. I’m biting my nails, now they’re too short. It hurts to type.
I’m not stopping. That’s dumb.
St. Vincent. Marry Me.
My head hurts and my eyes are tired and it’s bright out and I have no idea what i’m feeling right now. It’s already Tuesday.
This morning I sat with my mom and we laughed and drank coffee. I watched my brother walk out the door to work, shirt tucked in the way my dad used to when he went to work.
When the door closed I could feel a fresh-shaven kiss on my cheek and “Bye Tigger!” ride the upward inflection.
It’s funny what brings you back.
